Nobody said it was easy
by silvermoongirl10
Summary: Following on from the end of 2x01 so spoilers! Aramis struggles to come to terms with what he has been shown, Athos and Porthos just try to help him through his grief and show him that his friendship is a blessing not a curse.


Aramis just stood and stared at the stone plaque that marked Adele's final resting place. He knew Athos was still stood behind him, but he couldn't turn to face his friend.

_Every woman I truly loves dies._

It was the truth. It was only a matter of time before something happened to the Queen and his son.

_His son._

Finally he had a child, someone to love and cherish their whole life. Only he couldn't do that. As far as anyone else, apart from Athos and Anne, knew he had nothing to do with the child. It was as if he was cursed to forever be alone.

Not only did Isabelle and Adele die from knowing him, but also Marsac and his brothers lost in the woods near Savoy. It was only a matter of time until his living friends, his brothers, died through knowing him.

His eyes were beginning to sting from unshed tears. He wiped a hand across his eyes and then looked up at the ceiling. Praying that it wasn't true, that this was all some nightmare he could wake up from. But it wasn't. It was the cold, hard, honest truth. A truth that was going to haunt him for the rest of his days.

Slowly he sank down to the floor and landed with a quiet thump on his knees. The slight pain helped ground him, but it didn't last long for his eyes were drawn to the stone plaque. He felt a hand squeeze his shoulder, but he didn't turn. Didn't say a word. What could he say? He felt numb and alone.

It was _his_ fault. _Entirely his fault_.

Then he heard footsteps walking away and knew that physically he was alone now. Knowing this the tears began to slip down his face silently. He looked up at the plaque saying nothing, not even his shoulders shook. The grief he felt was past the point of feeling. He had so many thoughts and feelings swimming around his head that he could make no sense or feeling of them. They just left him kneeling there feeling lost.

His gaze was drawn to the words written below Adele's name and the years she had lived.

_DIED FOR LOVE._

She died for loving _him_. _He_ had done this to her. Athos and Porthos were right. He should have left her alone. Perhaps. No. She _would_ have been still alive.

It was _his_ fault. _Entirely his fault_.

Was he to be forevermore cursed with losing the people dearest to him?

It wasn't fair. He wasn't complaining for himself, for while it hurt to loose them. He was thinking of how unfair it was for those he lost to have their lives cut short just for knowing him. _He _did this to them. He should be punished for all the pain he had caused. But he knew what his punishment would be. To live a long life into his old age as he watched as every person he cared about, be buried six feet beneath the ground leaving him all alone. This would be his punishment and his curse.

He heard voices approaching but did not even turn around. How could he? When one day he would be the cause for their untimely deaths?

"What's going on Athos? Why'd you drag me here? And where's Aramis?"

"It will take too long to explain. Showing you would be the best thing."

"You didn't answer me. _Where's Aramis_?"

Pause.

"_Athos_. You're staring to worry me. What's happened to Aramis?!"

The footsteps stopped. Then he heard a quiet gasp. And then rushing footsteps before they stopped beside him and someone. _Porthos_. Gripped onto his shoulders as he knelt beside him.

"Aramis? Aramis what's wrong? What's happened? Are you injured?" questioned Porthos in a rush.

But Aramis still did not turn his head. From the corner of his eye he noticed Porthos follow his eye line. There was a second's pause then Porthos let out another quiet gasp.

"Damn the Cardinal!" exploded Porthos as he rose to his feet, and probably turned to face Athos. "_Damn him to hell!_"

Then Aramis' view of the plaque was blocked by Porthos' face. Porthos gently shook him. But Aramis found he couldn't move. He couldn't speak. There was no _feeling_ left inside of him.

It was _his_ fault. _Entirely his fault_.

"Aramis come on" Porthos said quietly, "Lets get you home."

Aramis felt himself pulled to his feet. He swayed and almost fell but gentle, strong arms caught him and slowly began to guide him out of the room. He turned his head and kept his gaze fixed on Adele's plaque, he remained like that until the plaque was out of sight. Then everything became a blur.

The next thing he knew he was sitting on his bed staring out at nothing, but he was still aware of the presence of his friends. While he was not following their conversation, snippets of what Porthos was saying penetrated his subconscious.

"…Haven't seen him like this since Savoy…It's been two hours now what can we do?...I can't take seeing him like this Athos…he doesn't deserve this…"

At the last bit Aramis choked back a sob. Trust loyal Porthos to say something like that. The truth was though, he _did_ deserve this.

It was _his_ fault. _Entirely his fault_.

* * *

><p>Porthos and Athos had been stood facing each other, but facing the foot of Aramis' bed sideways so both of them could keep an eye on their friend. It was beginning to terrify him seeing Aramis just sat staring at nothing with a blank stare. It had been two hours and still Aramis had not said a word. Athos had told him what Aramis had said back in the church just before he fell silent.<p>

"_Every woman I truly love dies."_

It almost broke his heart. Aramis was such a kind and considerate person, why did he out of everyone, end up without someone to love him? First it was his childhood love Isabelle and then it was Adele. He knew Aramis slept with lots of women, but when he had been with Adele all of that had stopped. He had believed Aramis when his friend said he loved Adele. This was only proof.

Athos and Aramis didn't think he knew, but he knew the young Prince was Aramis' son. How could he not? Aramis' reaction when the King announced the impending birth made him suspicious. And then Aramis' behaviour through the Queen's pregnancy only confirmed it. At first he had been livid with Aramis, but then, once he had calmed down he felt sorry for his friend.

Years before Aramis had told him about Isabelle and the loss of their child. So once Athos recounted what happened at the convent and the death of the nun, Sister Helena. Aramis had looked so grief stricken he and Athos demanded to know what was troubling him. Aramis had explained in a quiet voice, that Sister Helena was Isabelle.

Porthos continued to pretend that he didn't know the truth behind the Queen's pregnancy, because he knew Athos and Aramis were only doing it to protect him. He also understood what led to Aramis sleeping with the Queen. Whenever Aramis was upset he usually retreated to be alone, but the truth was he _hated_ to be alone. So whenever he was upset and someone came to offer him comfort, he latched onto it. A few times Porthos had sat beside Aramis the whole night letting Aramis talk or stay silent or cry. He let his friend work through his emotions. And when he was done talking, being silent or crying, Aramis would fall into a fitful sleep either propped up on Porthos' shoulder or asleep in Porthos' lap. So it was no wonder that when the Queen offered him comfort, for she knew the true identity of Sister Helena when Athos did not at the time, that Aramis latched onto that comfort. Under usual circumstances Porthos would have remained angry with Aramis, but this time, this time Aramis had not been thinking straight. He had been blinded by grief, from the words Isabelle said and to her death.

So as Porthos looked on at Aramis in concern he found himself saying, "I'm worried Athos, I haven't seen him like this since Savoy. And that took him a long time to come to terms with what happened. This feels worse than going to war, it's been two hours now what can we do? He hasn't said a word and we can't get through to him! I can't take seeing him like this Athos, this is just like when he returned from Savoy, I truly thought he'd slip away back then and I don't want to see him go through all that pain again. He doesn't deserve this."

He heard a choked sob coming from Aramis and he darted to the side of the bed. Aramis was leaning forward with his eyes shut and was shaking his head. So Porthos reached out a hand and gently rubbed up and down Aramis' back.

"It's alright Aramis. Shhh it's alright."

"No it's not," sobbed Aramis, his hands came up to clench his hair. "You're wrong."

"About what?" asked Porthos, saddened by his friend's grief, but pleased to see him talking.

"I do deserve this!" cried Aramis, his eyes opening as he turned to look at Porthos' concerned face.

Porthos widened his eyes in shock and then he moved so he was sat on the bed facing Aramis and squeezed his friend's shoulders.

"No you don't Aramis," he stressed, shaking his head. "You are the most kindest and considerate people I know. If anyone needs help you are first through the door, and the last to leave through the door. You're the last because you always want to make sure the person is alright, and will be alright. You do _not_ deserve what you are going through now."

"Everyone I care about dies!" exclaimed Aramis, he tried to back out of Porthos' grip but his back only met the headboard. Not letting him escape.

"Not through knowing you" argued Porthos. Aramis' eyes were wide and glistening. He could _see_ Aramis wanted to believe him, but for some reason he wasn't.

Athos stepped forward, "Porthos is right Aramis. As unfortunate as it is that those you care for die. It is _not_ through knowing you that has brought their end. I can speak for myself, and probably completely for everyone you know, that when my end comes, I know that through knowing you my life has only become better and brighter."

Porthos nodded and smiled encouragingly, "Athos speaks the truth. You my friend, make life bearable. You brighten up the darkest of times. You are always there to lend a helping hand to friend or stranger, and yet expect nothing in return. What you may think is your fault. Is most certainly _not_."

* * *

><p>Aramis stared at his friends. He wanted to believe them, but the faces of those he had lost swam before him.<p>

It was _his_ fault. _Entirely his fault_.

Two hands squeezed his shoulders, Porthos was still sat in front of him and Athos stood to Porthos' right. The faces of those he lost faded to be replaced by the smiling faces of Porthos and Athos (or what counted as a smile in Athos' case).

It was _his_ fault. _Entirely his fault_.

But then…

Perhaps it wasn't.

**The End.**


End file.
